Monday, June 7, 2010

Depressed and tanned?

Don't worry, I'm not depressed. But according to one work colleague she is amazed that I am not, and seems to be waiting for it to hit me!  I won't say who it is that has said to me "But aren't you depressed?" because she really does mean well and is a lovely person, but lets just say in her job, she ought to know better than to say things like that!  No. I'm not depressed.  I am thrilled to be alive and well.

I am so alive and well that I have started running again.  I am on 'lesson 4' of  the Running Trainer 5k program that I'm following on my iPhone - totally started from scratch, and I very much need to.  It's a 'run one minute, walk one minute, run 2 minutes, walk 2 minutes etc' program, and it is hard going, which shows that I have gone back to zero fitness through all of this.  But I will get it back again, and at the moment I am enjoying trying! 

She also said to me that I must talk to X, another person at work who has recently had a lot of time off due to cancer treatment but is now back at work (who, like me, is looking so well and so tanned! [said as if we shouldn't be allowed in the sun, should be locked inside hiding under a duvet watching daytime TV!]).  I was aware of this person, but I don't know her, so we should get to together to talk about cancer? Hmm, fun. Sorry, but if I get together with her it will be to talk about books, journals, how I can support her teaching.  She has probably been made to feel like a malingerer because she tooks some months off, whereas I didn't.  I have been fortunate (although, as Richard Hammond said on the programme about head injury with Stirling Moss, on BBC Four last night, exactly how 'lucky' is it to get thrown from a car at 200mph and land on your head?) not to have been terribly unwell throughout the treatment, but I know it makes some people very sick indeed and they are not malingering!

Everyone also says to me, that surely my positive attitude has something to do with it?  I am not convinced it really does. Every time I have started a new treatment, I have sat back to wait for the side effects to hit.  And they haven't, or at least, not that hard.  But I was expecting them, I wasn't ignoring them. I wasn't being brave or pretending to be well.  I have gone with whatever my body feels.  

Take last saturday, for instance.   We went over to Greg's house (yes, he still hasn't called a plumber to arrange to get central heating fitted, I know, I know) to tidy up the garden and my back got sore from bending too much whilst weeding.  I didn't feel very hungry, my back hurt, I fell asleep in the car on the way home. I went to bed for over an hour when I got home.  I don't often nap in the afternoon, but I really properly slept.  I didn't feel so well on Sunday and didn't eat much again - I think I must have been fighting off the stomach bug that hit Greg a week ago.  So, I didn't feel well and I stopped doing anything, I rested. And I am better now. See, I do listen to my body, and it looks after me.

The good thing is, I have lost a couple more lbs, so I am heading back to my pre-chemo weight! Yay!!!

That's my rant for the day over with. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with Dr Iqbal. I am expecting to find out about my follow-up regime, and want to ask about timescales for reconstruction ops.  I am doing stomach crunches in case the TRAM flap is a sensible option for me - you need decent stomach muscles but get a tummy tuck as well as a new boob!  Not entirely sure about the pros and cons of the various types of operation they do yet, but would like to have choices!

More tomorrow.... xxxx

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