Have been feeling fine today, maybe not 100% speed, but much much better and feeling pleased with myself for being back up again so soon after a chemo.
Decided to get on my treadmill for a short while, just to try and keep my fitness up to a certain level and was intending only to walk, perhaps with an incline, for 30 minutes or so. But of course, I have to try running. It was the slowest of slow runs (4-5 mph) and only for a few minutes at a time, as my feet did feel a bit odd, so I was trying not to overdo it. But I did. I managed 1 mile in 14mins 30 seconds, which included lots of walking, but I did push it a little further than I ought to and when I stopped I did feel a bit dizzy. Overall, I did 25 minutes, so the other 10 minutes was just walking.
So far, so good, I stopped and rested and was off to the kitchen to get myself some water, when I knocked over a glass as I moved past G (who was playing XBox in the same room as me). It smashed everywhere, and I was feeling way too wobbly still to clear it up, so he did it for me. Meanwhile, I burst into tears and had a good sob. Why?
Frustration that I am not fitter.
Annoyed that I broke a glass (a minor thing in the scheme of things).
Anger that this treatment and illness has made me like this.
But mostly huge anger that so many people take their fitness for granted - take their ability to get fit "if they choose" for granted.
Getting fit is hard work and you have to make yourself do it. And I know, even in my current state, that I could be fitter and slimmer than I am if I really, really tried. But I am being held back at the moment, and it is partly an excuse but also HUGELY a frustration.
I know I need to slow down sometimes, not push myself over my own limits. I also know I need to keep testing thoseS boundaries. Sometimes the test of the boundaries goes too far... but you don't know until you try.
G gets frustrated because I insist on going to work - we nearly had words on Monday night when I told him I was going in on Tuesday, but I did know, and was right, that going to work on Tuesday was the right thing to do. I took it slow, but it made me feel better. It made me feel needed and useful again.
I was wrong to push into a run on the treadmill tonight, it took my few energy reserves too far. But I am right to keep pushing a little bit. It gives me some self respect and reminds me I am alive and will continue to be so for some time to come.
Giving anything up for lent? Not me. I never give up.