Saturday, December 5, 2009

Christmas starts here!!

It is saturday morning and this week Christmas has officially begun.

Last night was our work team's Christmas meal. We went to Zizzi's in Cheltenham, which is housed in an old church and has been very sympathetically converted. It was a nice meal - more about the company and spirit than the food (after all, pizza is pizza is pizza!). Thanks to J for asking me to her house to get ready first, and to her 15 year old daughter for wondering if I wanted my hair curled and saying I was cute!!! I left most of the team after the meal to go on for further drinks, but was glad I left when I did simply as I was feeling a bit tired and it was an hour's drive home in the dark and rain, with strange drivers ahead who put their indicators on every time they tried to put their full beam on or off!! But I was impressed with myself when I had managed to parallel park my huge car while it was full of people, first time, perfectly!!! G reckons that will only happen when it is damaged and psychologically I am not so worried. As soon as it is fixed, I will become incapable again!!!!

On Thursday, I started with a few bits of Christmas shopping and met up with my old AC (workplace) pals for lunch (helloooo C, C & E!!), and today we are off to get the Christmas tree from the reindeer farm up the road (near Llanishen) - last year they were giving away mulled wine and sausages on sticks while you bought your tree, and you could pet the deer. This year we're hoping to buy some venison for Christmas day dinner!!! I will also get the decorations out and dress the house up. It may be too soon, but I am unlikely to feel like doing it next weekend!

I have been further debating the denial thing on an online forum (I continued the debate on a non-cancer forum as I didn't further want to stoke any fires amongst those suffering), and another matter has arisen... I am being seen as unique/brave/different and an 'inspiration' because of how I am coping with this disease.

Can I make it clear (again) that I am not being brave, I am not 'flying a flag' for cancer sufferers or doing anything to keep up appearances in any way. Just because I am going through stuff does not diminish anyone elses stresses or worries or life events, and please don't ever think it does. I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable with feeling responsible for other people thinking they should be coping with their stuff 'better' just because of how I am right now. Each problem is still a problem, still something hard for each person concerned, still valid to be upset about and deal with in your own way. I am just a certain type of personality that 'gets on with' stuff, that's me. It may not be you. Don't feel you have to be me and are any less of a person because you are not. I love YOU for exactly who YOU are, so don't change!!!!

I still occasionally cry about everything that has happened, I have my moments which I may sometimes forget to mention on here, I am not fearless. I just cope by not focussing as much on the down times, and getting on with the good stuff as much as I can.

And on that note, I am off to watch some catch up TV on iPlayer while G snores beside me, bless him. xxxx

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