Occupational Health meeting

Today, I had a meeting with my employers Occupational Health nurse. She was very nice, and just wanted to have a chat about what was happening with me, what treatments I would be getting, and try to assess what time off I should have and what work I should do.

She has advised that I take the Monday off after each Friday chemo, and possibly the Tuesday as well if I need it, plus hospital appointments and this is more or less what I was planning on doing anyway. My team have already arranged my work to keep me away from germ-ridden students as much as possible, and taken me off all rotas so that they don't have to rely on me!! I don't do any heavy lifting, and anyway, my arm is back and fully fit again (although numb under the arm, so I do have to be careful not to damage it and not notice cos I don't feel it!).

She also warned me that my hair may fall out while undergoing chemotherapy... !!!! I honestly think she wasn't just humouring me, as she genuinely looked shocked and slightly embarrassed when I told her it was already gone!!! She didn't realise it happened so quickly. I am wearing my wig today, so it can't be too bad, can it, what with J's daughter offering to curl it for me last week too!!!!

On the less positive side, I did go into work this morning looking like a puffy-eyed monster. I had a moment last night where I felt very sad, down and angry at everything, particularly the having to wait until I am probably 40 to even start to see if I can get pregnant again. Had a bit of a cry just after I went up to bed, and I went downstairs again to get cuddles from G and we had a cry together. It's just crap. I am telling this here, so you see that I am not impossibly strong at every moment, I do cry, I am sad, I am angry and frustrated. I do ask for help (cuddles, particularly) when I need them. But at the same time, I know that I just have to press on and hope for the best, and try to maintain a level of normality.

I think the week running up to chemo is always going to be the worst for me. It reminds you of what you are going through and there is always a level of dread of what the effect of the treatment will be like this week. Saying that, I still know and am ever, ever thankful that I have had so very few side effects, but part of me wonders whether 'this time' will be when it hits me, so I never take it for granted that I will stay so well throughout.

I won't even tell you about having forgotten to take my purse with me today, getting the courtesy car clamped (my fault, double yellows on campus), and nearly running out of fuel....

Just wish me luck for my swine flu jab in just over an hour's time!! xxx